This article uses humour and lived experience to explore gift giving and disability.

I love Christmas. It’s a time when we connect with family and friends to share a story or two — or better still, banter and take the mickey out of each other. Despite having a disability, I’m lucky that the people in my life fully embrace the banter and fun.

Christmas is coming at us faster than my involuntary movements on a cold morning, and honestly, it’s that time of year when I struggle to find suitable gifts for people. I also struggle to tell people what I want when asked — but I absolutely know what I don’t want.

Before I get into the list, here’s the context: my unhinged friend Bert has actually given me some of these gifts over the years as a joke. So here it is — my official list of what NOT to buy me, or anyone with athetoid cerebral palsy or another high-level physical disability.

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1. A scratchie ticket

One year, someone made me an entire Christmas tree out of scratchies.
A tree.
Twenty scratchies.
TWENTY.

So I spent Christmas night trying to scratch them like a possessed raccoon with CP, while Bert sat there laughing like he was watching The Hangover 4: Disability Edition.

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2. Twister

Unless you’re trying to create a weird breakdance music video starring me, this is never a good idea.

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3. A LEGO set

I bought my flatmate a 4,800-piece Ferrari last year. While it gave me a few weeks of peace and solitude, it would have the opposite effect on me. There would be a lot of cursing.

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4. Jenga

In the past, I may or may not have used my cerebral palsy to abruptly end a game or two — usually when I was losing.
“Oops, that was my CP clearing the Monopoly table.”

Jenga, however? I wouldn’t even make it past the first turn.

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5. Fire-twirling sticks

Oh yes.
Let’s hand the girl with CP literal fire.

That’s not a hobby — that’s an automatic news headline:

“Woman at Burleigh Beach on the Gold Coast becomes both a performer and the reason for an evacuation.”

There’s a very fine line between talent and arson.
Very fine.

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6. A basketball

Haha yes — I’m a first-class dribbler, right up there with Michael Jordan.

The only difference?
I didn’t train for years like they did.
It just comes naturally.

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7. A Sudoku book and a pen

My Pop was a Sudoku king.
I, however, am a mathematical disappointment.

Add a pen to the mix and suddenly I’m a liability waiting to happen.
The plastic surgeons are already rubbing their hands together.

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8. Steak knives or a cheese grater

Self-explanatory, really.
Who would do this — even as a joke?

One unplanned spasm and someone’s losing a limb… and I can’t promise it’ll be mine.
Will there be fries with your meal, or a severed body part?

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9. A unicycle

No.
Absolutely not.
Just no.

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10. Juggling balls

It’s so fun watching someone master this skill, right?
Hand them to me at your own risk.

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If you laughed at any part of this list, congratulations — you’re a terrible human being and exactly my kind of person. We can now be friends.

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes and not take disability too seriously. Humour doesn’t erase the challenges — it just makes them easier to carry.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

About the Author: 

Marlena Katene is Australia’s most unique entertainment journalist. Having Cerebral Palsy Marlena communicates via an ABC Board and iPad. After completing her Bachelor of Communications degree Marlena has been blessed to interview a wide range of people ranging from Ed Sheeran, Robbie Williams and even the Dalia Lama. While her journalism focuses mainly on music she also has written on other issues and freelance writes for a variety of magazines. Apart from her journalism work, Marlena is an avid traveller and adventure seeker. In 2016 she became the first person in the world with Cerebral Palsy to Base jump, achieving this feat by jumping off the 421 metre KL Tower in Malaysia. Addicted to travelling she is always seeking the next adventure and place to explore.